"so what exactly do you do when you're at home?"

it's a bad question. but i realize i was asking for it when i started to say i came from taytay, rizal just a few minutes ago. yeap, it's a long way from where i am now, i know. and just for everyone's sake: my HOME is NOT taytay, rizal, my HOME is Bacolod City, thank you very much.

BUT for reasons that serve the purpose of the question, let's assume that my "home" (at the moment) is taytay, rizal.

i thought long and hard. and a convoluted disarray of emotions flurry past my mind. i've been musing on a lot of things during the past three days that i will, in the next weeks, refer to as my sembreak for the AY 2005-2006.

One, i am alone. i have to deal with that sooner or later. i'll deal with it now. No amount of texting, calling or friendster demography will change that. it's an irrefutable consequence of the life i lead. no one gets close. no will hurt me. i will not let anyone hurt me. not anymore. it's not like it's a choice, though. In recalling what would be the most poignant line (for me, at least) in the Rurouni Kenshin OAV: "even the sharpest katana needs a sheath". well, whatever, my blade's rusting (rustED actually). and still no sheath. i may be a nagasoni koutetsu but still no saya.

Two, i met up with some old friends recently. "O! Ba't 'single' pa rin yung status mo sa friendster?". "e wala eh... hehehehe...". "Gago ka ba? O gago lang ba talaga mga taga-UP? Look, you're mannered, witty, eloquent, slightly creative sa mga bagay and at least presentable, i can't see why you're having trouble in that department". Great. Just what i need. They wouldn't understand. Comments coming from girls who are in a relationship with two of the most royal assholes i know shouldn't be believed. Why'd they even have to bring it up? Is being attached en vogue these days? and even if it was, i've made it a rule to NOT be vogue. Am i simply not considered human just because i'm a natural loner? <sarcasm> Thanks, guys, you really know how to make me feel right as rain!</sarcasm>

<whine> Three, i get tired. I AM tired. Anyone who thinks i'm this kinetic frenetic ball of half-cocked sarcasms, offhand remarks and content silences just don't know me. I try to be overtly strong, simpleminded and oozing with machismo, but one must understand that this overcompensation is a sign of weakness ( MY weakness...insecurity... melancholy...). </whine> I'm tired, guys. I am so, so, so burnt out. Doesn't anyone notice how much i whine these days?!? I DON'T NORMALLY WHINE!!!

Four, there is no purpose to my meaning (akala mo ang lalim, no? gago ka pala eh). Maybe i've found it. In any case, i refuse to accept it...

Five, <anger> SHUT THE FUCK UP WITH ALL YOUR SMUG TALK. </anger> It's easy to judge a path you haven't walked before. It's easy to say "choose life", when your worst problem is figuring out how to work HTML on friendster. It's easy to say "you're wrong" when you think in monochrome. It's easy to be "i will never resort to the things you do" when the most you've ever done was do the things people expect of you. I hate it when people go: "you're doing this wrong! do this, instead!". SHUT THE FUCK UP. Walk a mile in my shoes and see how you view the world after. I live the way i want to and that's NONE of your fucking business. you can advise, but i strongly suggest you leave your judgments at the door. you have absolutely NO FUCKING RIGHT to condescend me. none. SO GO FUCK A TREE OR SOMETHING. (YOU FUCKING KNOW WHO YOU ARE). If you want to take a FUCKING potshot at me i suggest you do it to my face (then again, these are brave words coming from someone who airs his issues on a blog, i love contradicting myself)

Six, thank you people who care. You will never know how much it means to me. I appreciate the effort to cheer me up. But i'll gladly abstain from taking the "aspect point-of-view" advices. Believe me when i say that no euphism will ever be convincing enough to shake this staggered mentality into optimism.

Wow that was long. A long rant. I feel better now. Seriously.

So what was the question again? What exactly DO i do when i'm at home?

...i cry...