too much alliteration bugs me. And though i'm not one to easily to give up on my battles, this one is obviously not going anywhere...
yes, it's december again. and the very thought is chilling. this year has been SHIT. okay. perhaps the only good thing to ever come out of it was me knowing who my friends are (and they know who they are). On one discussion as to the whethers and whys its taken such a long time for the group to actually form, well, we think the answer would be because now everyone is all the much wiser and better and readier to... ...y'know... learn. make bonds. take masks off...
yup. i guess that's one way of putting it. but other than that...
this year has been SHIT.
"...I can't remember the last thing that you said as you were leavin', now the days go by so fast..."
now what's that all about? it's my current depression. i guess i made a "bad run" and that started it.
"...And it's one more day up in the canyons, And it's one more night in Hollywood, If you think that I could be forgiven...I wish you would..."
but i don't think so. i'd like to think that i wasn't really going to go anywhere with the thought right from the start, anyway.
i know i'll probably regret saying this sometime in the future, but:
I WISH I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT IT. IT WAS NEVER A REALISTIC THOUGHT. I GUESS SOME DREAMS JUST AREN'T GOING TO COME TRUE.
"...The smell of hospitals in winter and the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls..."
and it all boils down to that. i'm just not a very patient person and i'm not about to acquire any new habits anytime soon. especially when i realize that it's all an exercise in futility and when i see that i don't even have a fool's chance. it's like striking for oil in the middle of the city: It's a useless thing to do because you don't have a shot in hell.
"...All at once you look across a crowded room to see the way that light attaches to a girl..."
and it's probably a fault of mine, the whole optimism. ignoring all other things and focusing on what i thought could be real. not seeing the signs that would impede me and rushing head-on into things.
...being just a little too dense...
...and too optimistic...
"...And it's one more day up in the canyons and it's one more night in Hollywood. If you think you might come to California...I think you should..."
but you won't. ever.
"...drove up to Hillside Manor sometime after two a.m. and talked a little while about the year..."
regarding past experiences (or lack of, actually...), i'd want to believe that it'll be easier to walk away this time. Falling from saddles gets easier if you fall from them often enough.
that's a lie.
Getting up on the saddles is easier if you get up on them often enough but it still hurts like hell everytime you fall.
"...I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower, makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her..."
...it hurts like hell...
"And it's been a long December and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last..."
...it really does...
"...I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself to hold on to these moments as they pass..."
and that's the kicker, isn't it? a last kick in the ego before i leave this life i've grown with. a last stake in the heart. end things the same way they started so very long ago.
I've eaten a lot of crow, i've made my biggest leaps, taken my greatest risks and still choked miserably.
i don't even know what i was thinking!
i just wanted to capture the things i liked, no, loved best about still staying and well...
...wanting just isn't enough, huh?
there are many, many other factors. like...
...maybe this sort of thing just isn't for me...
...maybe i'm just not the type...
maybe i just suck. period. (Die Monster! You don't belong in this world -Richter Belmont)
"And it's one more day up in the canyon and it's one more night in Hollywood. It's been so long since I've seen the ocean...I guess I should..."
it's time to stop chasing waterfalls. Accept. Resign.
Drown.
I'm going home to my ocean. Sorry. For what it's worth. To all the people i troubled, to all i pestered.
but most of all, to her.
i didn't mean to waste your precious time.
And for all intents and purposes and as for what I could never bring myself to say and for what you didn't even want to hear:
I love you.
