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LSS
Stillwater - All I Can Remember

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Well, well… time to rant again. Haaah.

I’ve found direction amidst chaos, hope despite the shadows… light…

That while right now, though things still seem dark, I have one last ace.

A pair of aces at that.

On to the week that was. Yes, folks, it’s true. I’ve enrolled here already, which probably means that for the next three years things are gonna be really different. And yes, the rumors are true, I’ve taken up nursing. Many may call this decision a contradiction to all I stand for, but come to think of it, all I really stand for would be the “eternal trip”. And to continue with the eternal trip, one needs funding. To fund oneself, one needs a job and in the contemporary setting, one needs a diploma… and a good vocation.

DON’T ARGUE WITH ME ON THIS. I’VE THOUGHT ABOUT IT. A LOT. AND WHO AM I KIDDING? THERE IS NO “ETERNAL TRIP”, I FOUND THAT OUT THE HARD WAY.

So anyway, why nursing?

Because. With the state of the Philippines today, what other course is there if you’re a struggling young free spirit? Sure there are the artsy-fartsy courses, but let’s be realistic: they’re only for rich farts or for the truly talented. What about the super-scientifically and logically inclined (ahem… med! Ahem… law! Ahem…), didn’t you hear what I said? I said “free spirit”. Those courses are only for the rich and/or super-intelligent.

That being said, let me complete the supposition. What option does a lower earning middle-class, free spirit have? And it’s free too. Why? My aunt got me a scholarship. So that means I have to maintain an 88% grade point average (ugggghh.. tough…). But really, not that my folks can’t spring for my education but HELLO! I already spent four years worth of college money! I guess my hide really isn’t that thick, after all.

So there. Despite being in a really bad pinch for a long time, I’m still quite thankful (and lucky) for second chances and for benevolent family members. God, it seems, still cares. Thank you.
Aside from totally rambling on and making incoherent sentences in this post, I would also like to write about the relationship I have with my siblings these days. Wow. I’ve been gone for four years. FOUR YEARS. That’s a long time. I’m finally realizing that. I mean whodathunk that these kids would grow up so well. I mean, my second youngest brother is in high school now. HIGH SCHOOL! Can you imagine that?!? How long was I gone?!? Oh yeah, four years. I plan to rectify a few wrongs and catch up for lost time and needed attention. Big time.

I said it before and I’ll say it again, the only good thing that ever came out of the whole “going to manila” fiasco would be the great friends I made there. But I can’t for the life of me imagine why I even chose to leave in the first place with my current frame of mind. Haaah. Ah but when you’re young and stupid, you want to see the world! Granted that Manila isn’t really “the world”, but you know what I mean. You want to test your limits, you want new experiences, you want to get away from everything you’ve grown up with and fill yourself with new things.
I’ve outgrown that, I guess. I said earlier that I stand for “the eternal trip”. I must digress. It WAS about the trip and no matter how gung-ho I try to be and write about my life the way I used to view it, it just doesn’t work anymore. It doesn’t feel that way anymore.
But I don’t regret it. I learned. A lot. More, I believe, than any one of my batchmates who stayed here and have finished college already. What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. And that’s what I am. Stronger. I’ve certainly been (?) stupid, but the funny thing with being stupid is that you’re only stupid about something once. The experiences will forever be remembered and as RPG-ers would say: “level up!”.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not about to get all square and shit, but what’s left to experience when you’ve experienced the absolute best and worst of the mediocre? What is left to want when you’ve gone asymptotic both sides? If you’ve been to extremes, then what force would compel you to be satisfied with a duller shade? True, though you can’t have experienced ALL of it, but I’m finally understanding the statement that goes: “I don’t have to touch boiling water to know that it’s hot”. I know that hot water is hot (uhhhhhhh…), so naturally, boiling water would be hot. Hence, my usage of the term “asymptotic”. I don’t presume to know it all and have done it all, but I know most of it, and I’ve done most of it.

And that my friend, would be where the fallacy of Hasty Generalization would set in. But I don’t even care how fallacious this might seem to anyone right now. I have more things to allocate my RAM to than what anyone thinks of my choices.

So I guess this is what I’ve always been able to stand for. That I never really cared about what anyone thinks or says as long as I’m happy (as opposed to living for the “eternal trip”). I’ve been called “selfish” on more than one occasion and I must admit that yes, I AM selfish. I make no excuses about it. I’m a selfish creep. I’m selfish when it comes to being me. Sure, I may be inclined to be socially active, opinionally passive and a pacifist at times, but only because I’ve thought two or three steps in advance what selfish purposes it would serve me. Manipulative, scheming, greedy... under the guise of a blank face. I’m selfish that way. I’m selfish in many other ways.

There are exceptions to this behavior as few may have noticed (notably to people I consider friends and my family, with “family”, I mean EVERYONE related to me by blood in three degrees), but that isn’t an issue right now. My friends know me. I mean, REALLY, know me. They understand. That’s why they’re my “friends” (see earlier posts as to who comprises this list). As for family, well, blood will always be thicker than water to me. Always.

Right now, all I want to do is finish my studies. And just now my cellphone (ohmigoodness! I have a cellphone?!?) rang. Another drinking session. Another invitation. Now, if this happened, say, a year or two ago, I would have readily taken the trousers that I perpetually hang for such emergencies and head out.

But no. Not now. I wouldn’t be stupid enough to say “not ever”, because I’ve made that mistake before. All I’m saying is: “not now”.

“Now” is for different things.

mauve angelus dreamt on* 10:54 PM

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profile ___.

Santino Joshua Garcia Torre

"it was all that i wanted, now i'm living without...it's where the water flows, it's where the wind blows..." OVERHAUL COMING UP...

something got caught.. errr? what?!?!?

Male, 21, Single

Zodiac Sign: Capricorn

Location: Philippines

Hometown: slumberland...

Schools:
University of St. La Salle-IS, University of the Philippines- Manila

Occupation: dreamer, sophisticated jologs

Companies:ignored industries

Affiliations: The Amazing Losers Organization (TALO!), team FS, i-squared,
Brickwall People, Superplan X

Hobbies and Interests: dreaming, sleeping

Favorite Books: the Holy Bible, the imitation of Christ, Bram Stoker's Dracula, Interview with the Vampire,
Eraserheads' Fruitcake, El Filibusterismo, Of Punks Poets and Poseurs, LotR,
The Purgatorio, The Inferno, V, The Final Conflict, The Vampire Lestat,
The Prophet, the perks of being a wallflower

Favorite Movies: reality bites, rockstar, star wars, kill bill, reservoir dogs, awww gawdammit! TARANTINO MOVIES IN GENERAL, (yes?!?), detroit rock city, wayne's world at siyempre Can this be Love? (ang umangal sisipain ko), Memoirs of a Geisha, Nasaan si Francis?

Favorite Music: i need a list!!, eraserheads (with ely), rivermaya (luma), mr. big (with either kotzen or gilbert), smashing pumpkins (with d'arcy), nirvana, foo fighters (basta anjan c dave grohl astig!), counting crows, urbandub, our lady peace