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LSS
Stillwater - All I Can Remember

Monday, October 02, 2006
i am... dreaming... synchronously wideawake and sleepy

so yesterday i had this really bad hangover, and the thing with my hangovers is that when i try to sleep it off, i get the weirdest dreams...

i had three that i could remember

Act One: darkness and decisions

the first one was vividly "freudian", i dreamt that there was this really hot girl who offered.. uh... yeah... you know what (i'm typing this during a computer class so i have to tone down a bit, they already think i'm perverted enough as it is...), but in exchange i she had to turn me into a vampire. So there i was, with a dilemma... a hard one... do i damn myself into an existence of utter detachment from all i know just to indulge in a few terse moments of carnal pleasure? or do i live not knowing what would have happened...? I'm still in this mode of thinking when i decide to meet her in front of the motel, and when she asks me what i decided, i begin to open my mouth and...

CUT

i wake up (i shit you not...). mainly because of an error on my PC regarding my download of Windows Media Player 11 (which, i now find as being a total ripoff, hear me folks: WINDOWS MEDIA PLAYER 11 SUCKS , stick to version 10)...

so after i shut the PC down, i resume my sleep, but what really gets me is: "what the heck would i have said?"

Act Two: Lost in the great plan of things
so there, on to number two... what...?!? wait, i forgot what it was all about! dammit.. this is nuts... i thinnk i'll just reedit this when i remember, IF i remember....

Act three: vagueness, puzzling disambiguation and equivocation

"i write in hopes that you will never read what this. I write with the resolve that this is merely an exorcism of sorts.

i never wanted for what happened to happen, if i could take it all back i would and be safe in the knowledge that it would have led to ruination anyway.

but we can't take back yesterdays, can we? We can't pretend that nothing happened. We just can't. And although the cynic in me constantly reminds me of the worthlessness of such actions, i find i am unable to heed it at times and the manifestations are seen this way.

So this is trauma. So this is projection. So this is regression. So this is a defense mechanism.

so this is pain.

i want it gone. but it seems you can't just fly away from everything and escape..."

Act four: Reality Again
So i decided to ditch class this morning and wound up tuned to Gene Roddenberry's Andromeda on AXN. Interesting. I'm not really a big fan of the series or any other Roddenberry series (DISCLAIMER AGAIN: I am NOT a TREKKIE!!!), but the episode was about the nature of dreams. Of how they're actually alternate versions of ourselves that we take over while in the dream state. Of how all our dreams are actually real (which, in rational thought, i am quick to disagree to because how come nobody takes over our actions in THIS reality, but for the piece's sake...), of why our dreams actually offer a bit of introspection... hmmm.. i can't really say i buy that shit, but then again, it has gotten me to do a bit of introspection... pointless, fruitless introspection, but introspection nonetheless...

Finale:
i don't know... it's pretty pointless to go on with a piece that doesn't really have a point (hence the redundancy...). i just wanted to write. kill time. you know... But, i can't help but feel a sense of ...futility... in everything about everything... i can't explain it... i just feel like we're all going nowhere because of the many things we don't understand. If so many things are so inexplicable then why bother trying to describe them? why bother about anything at all? why don't we all just dream away?

I realize that this would psychologically be just me feeling a tad discontented about the way things are, about how i would rather escape to a reality that holds more extreme sensations for me because of the utter dullness of the existence that plagues me...

i am aware of this rationalization and how it is in theory but there's little that rationalization can do to ease actual feelings... psychologically and realistically speaking....

....cogito ergo sum...

mauve angelus dreamt on* 12:03 AM

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profile ___.

Santino Joshua Garcia Torre

"it was all that i wanted, now i'm living without...it's where the water flows, it's where the wind blows..." OVERHAUL COMING UP...

something got caught.. errr? what?!?!?

Male, 21, Single

Zodiac Sign: Capricorn

Location: Philippines

Hometown: slumberland...

Schools:
University of St. La Salle-IS, University of the Philippines- Manila

Occupation: dreamer, sophisticated jologs

Companies:ignored industries

Affiliations: The Amazing Losers Organization (TALO!), team FS, i-squared,
Brickwall People, Superplan X

Hobbies and Interests: dreaming, sleeping

Favorite Books: the Holy Bible, the imitation of Christ, Bram Stoker's Dracula, Interview with the Vampire,
Eraserheads' Fruitcake, El Filibusterismo, Of Punks Poets and Poseurs, LotR,
The Purgatorio, The Inferno, V, The Final Conflict, The Vampire Lestat,
The Prophet, the perks of being a wallflower

Favorite Movies: reality bites, rockstar, star wars, kill bill, reservoir dogs, awww gawdammit! TARANTINO MOVIES IN GENERAL, (yes?!?), detroit rock city, wayne's world at siyempre Can this be Love? (ang umangal sisipain ko), Memoirs of a Geisha, Nasaan si Francis?

Favorite Music: i need a list!!, eraserheads (with ely), rivermaya (luma), mr. big (with either kotzen or gilbert), smashing pumpkins (with d'arcy), nirvana, foo fighters (basta anjan c dave grohl astig!), counting crows, urbandub, our lady peace