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pull the trigger and the nightmare stops,
pull the trigger and the nightmare stops.
pull the trigger and the nightmare stops
forever you will
forever you will learn...
whoever had the poetic license to write that was right on the money. but then again, he's the guy who also wrote about "waking up" and "doing anything for someone, and killing anyone for someone" and appending a sly "i love you" to the end of those lines.
shit.
mauve angelus dreamt on* 6:44 PM
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the madness takes over
mad mumblings #2
i don't even remember what the point of all this is. WHATS THE FUCKING POINT?!?!? i'm still depressed. i'm always depressed. why? what? fuck.
and here i am, i just wasted, like 5 hours of my life. five hours i can never get back, and for what? to wake up again to a sorry existence filled with meaningless problems and permutatory calculations for a life not lived. i hate it. i hate everything.
and yet that itself is wrong because hating everything would immediately negate any and all decisions to strive to better it, which i sort of do every single time. i hate how self-negating i am.
i guess that's why people love life's delicious ironies
the short of it is that i'm tired. i find it all so futile. everything. and yet i continue on it every single day, getting nervous, preparing, facing it, challenging it. i'm just so, so, so tired. tired of feeling. period.
i mean how crazy is that? how do you get tired of feeling? i don't know. you just know it when you feel it. this endless cycle offers no release. it's so cruel.
it's like you're standing on a plank of wood in the middle of the ocean with tiger sharks circling around you. thing is the ocean's full of planks, but none of the planks can hold you forever. As you make your way from one plank to the next, you get this feeling that it'll never end and you might as well take your chance with the sharks, but the trouble with that is that you're so fucking scared of the sharks (it makes no sense), that you'd rather jump from one plank to the next, but then again you're so tired of jumping on the planks that seem to offer very temporal (if any) relief. and again and again. and that isn't the worst of it, you also have to think about how the hell you're going to survive because you know you'll die of starvation anyway. but you still walk across the planks, hoping that some ship comes by or that the planks lead all the way to the shore. fuck. fuck.
take me down to the paradise city
mauve angelus dreamt on* 6:02 AM
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the madness of it all
mad mumblings issue 1
i miss karate kid...
the bottomless red iced tea, the fried tofu (which, at the time, would be the only thing i'd eat), the cheap chopsticks that just wouldn't break into half evenly, even the ill-colored mayo that they passed as tartar sauce
what was it again? sashi-bashi? i forget.
"...and all I can remember
jesus said unto the least of these
do unto me..." (ten bucks to who can guess what movie this came from)
i hate you. i hate myself even more. once you give up, it's all over. i gave up many times over, but not now, surely not now. i'm 22. i know better. since last year, i've had noone else to blame but me, ive never really contemplated on it, but now that i do, it makes me cry. the first real tears ive had in... 9 months. yeah. i've been too busy to cry. i've been too busy for everything. i still am. i'm too busy doing nothing to do something. i've been strong these past 12 months, haven't i? i'm not a 22 year old loser, that much is clear. repressing every base want can be tiring. i guess all i want is for someone to break the silence and say it's all going to be all right. but no, it's that kind of thinking that drove me to this in the first place. noone's coming. it's all going to be about me. noone can help. noone wants to help so noone gets in. i can do this by myself. i alone. me. myself. alone. let the anger and depression fuel everything. let the desperation take over. i can do this. focus.
game.
set.
match.
mauve angelus dreamt on* 5:57 AM
(1) comments
archives
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i'm gonna put something here! wait!
