punyeta! inaantok ako...!

LSS
Stillwater - All I Can Remember

Wednesday, October 11, 2006
The Devil Made Me Do It

If regression is a phase, then I am most certainly caught up in a sick cycle carousel… Imprisoned in a phylogenetic recapitulation of defense mechanisms, psychiatric cases, attitudes, mindsets and motivations.

I’m aware of it happening, but it doesn’t really do me a lot of good, this awareness, because it’s either too strong or that I’m too lazy to do anything about it.

What I’m pertaining to, of course, is my current lack of interest in the pursuance of bettering myself. It seemed to work for a few months, but here I am again.

A peek at a day in the life for the past two weeks: I wake up, nauseous and tired. Fumble with a lighter. Light a ciggie. Amble on to my PC with the full intent of learning some new thing, but my cursor has this habit of pointing at Diablo II. I then double click, wait, look at the characters, then say to myself: “Ah heck, just one level…”

Any RPG addict will testify to the great compulsion the words “one more level up” brings.

And before I know it, I’ve spent four hours of my life. Four hours I can never get back. Four hours I could have used for something else.

It’s at this point that I realize that I can’t make it to school, but I think to myself that it should be okay since we don’t technically have class anymore and I can fix my papers the next day. I click on Winamp, turn the speakers in the bathroom on, then I light another cigarette. It’s at this time that I realize that I’m really going to miss this house. I’ll miss all the space that’s for sure.

What?

Oh, it actually just hit me now, because as I was typing this, some people came over to look at the house and its rooms. And I play the unwitting tour guide. The first question was: “Hey, what are you doing here? I thought you were in Manila?”. To which I answer a dopey: “Yeah, I was.”

Oh.

Anyway, whatever. Just goes to show that things don’t last forever, or even at least one lifetime.

Where was I?

Oh yeah, after my commune with the forces of nature, I manage to scrounge up a few scraps of food to constitute a bleak lunch. I return to my room, and this voice in my head says: “just one more level…”

And that’s that. It’s amazing what you can sit through with a strong enough addiction. Pizza, home-cooked meals, calls for attention, bribes, even the almighty Marlboro lights is powerless to sway my attention from slaying the forces of evil as I tap and click head on in the world of the RPG. Very much like the premise in the game where Diablo had corrupted the very champion who defeated him in the first part, I am enslaved.

The first time this happened was to me was four years ago. What managed to snap me out of it was the crashing of a computer. The second time was worse, only with the intervention of a very special woman did I kick the habit. Now, I’m not so sure.

I had intended for this entry to be a defense to this addiction of mine to such a severely outdated game, but as I was thinking of the Pros and Cons, it hit me that this merited no such treatment. It’s a plague. A carrion. A disease. A ravager. One that has me. Hack. Slash. Kill. Level up.

Now thus armed with this realization, it is time to ponder a new course of action to rid myself of this urge. To return to the track of all that I had set for myself in these past few months. Beak the habit. This isn’t doing me any good. This is wrong. This is wrong. This is wrong. This is WRONG. But what do I do about it…?

Ah heck... One more Level Up…

mauve angelus dreamt on* 3:18 AM
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Monday, October 02, 2006
i am... dreaming... synchronously wideawake and sleepy

so yesterday i had this really bad hangover, and the thing with my hangovers is that when i try to sleep it off, i get the weirdest dreams...

i had three that i could remember

Act One: darkness and decisions

the first one was vividly "freudian", i dreamt that there was this really hot girl who offered.. uh... yeah... you know what (i'm typing this during a computer class so i have to tone down a bit, they already think i'm perverted enough as it is...), but in exchange i she had to turn me into a vampire. So there i was, with a dilemma... a hard one... do i damn myself into an existence of utter detachment from all i know just to indulge in a few terse moments of carnal pleasure? or do i live not knowing what would have happened...? I'm still in this mode of thinking when i decide to meet her in front of the motel, and when she asks me what i decided, i begin to open my mouth and...

CUT

i wake up (i shit you not...). mainly because of an error on my PC regarding my download of Windows Media Player 11 (which, i now find as being a total ripoff, hear me folks: WINDOWS MEDIA PLAYER 11 SUCKS , stick to version 10)...

so after i shut the PC down, i resume my sleep, but what really gets me is: "what the heck would i have said?"

Act Two: Lost in the great plan of things
so there, on to number two... what...?!? wait, i forgot what it was all about! dammit.. this is nuts... i thinnk i'll just reedit this when i remember, IF i remember....

Act three: vagueness, puzzling disambiguation and equivocation

"i write in hopes that you will never read what this. I write with the resolve that this is merely an exorcism of sorts.

i never wanted for what happened to happen, if i could take it all back i would and be safe in the knowledge that it would have led to ruination anyway.

but we can't take back yesterdays, can we? We can't pretend that nothing happened. We just can't. And although the cynic in me constantly reminds me of the worthlessness of such actions, i find i am unable to heed it at times and the manifestations are seen this way.

So this is trauma. So this is projection. So this is regression. So this is a defense mechanism.

so this is pain.

i want it gone. but it seems you can't just fly away from everything and escape..."

Act four: Reality Again
So i decided to ditch class this morning and wound up tuned to Gene Roddenberry's Andromeda on AXN. Interesting. I'm not really a big fan of the series or any other Roddenberry series (DISCLAIMER AGAIN: I am NOT a TREKKIE!!!), but the episode was about the nature of dreams. Of how they're actually alternate versions of ourselves that we take over while in the dream state. Of how all our dreams are actually real (which, in rational thought, i am quick to disagree to because how come nobody takes over our actions in THIS reality, but for the piece's sake...), of why our dreams actually offer a bit of introspection... hmmm.. i can't really say i buy that shit, but then again, it has gotten me to do a bit of introspection... pointless, fruitless introspection, but introspection nonetheless...

Finale:
i don't know... it's pretty pointless to go on with a piece that doesn't really have a point (hence the redundancy...). i just wanted to write. kill time. you know... But, i can't help but feel a sense of ...futility... in everything about everything... i can't explain it... i just feel like we're all going nowhere because of the many things we don't understand. If so many things are so inexplicable then why bother trying to describe them? why bother about anything at all? why don't we all just dream away?

I realize that this would psychologically be just me feeling a tad discontented about the way things are, about how i would rather escape to a reality that holds more extreme sensations for me because of the utter dullness of the existence that plagues me...

i am aware of this rationalization and how it is in theory but there's little that rationalization can do to ease actual feelings... psychologically and realistically speaking....

....cogito ergo sum...

mauve angelus dreamt on* 12:03 AM
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