hello! haaah... im in class... and while technical difficulties are abounding for the others, im here blogging... so anyway...
i missing a few of the things there... like the casual smoking outside whenever we want to... there's no brick wall here... i miss the wall...
what's it called again?
when i hear this voice in every song and it touches something unknown and unknowing...
what's it called again?
when i see someone's eyes whenever the moon or the----
---ah heck!
for another time i guess, i found this poem on my notebook and i wanted to write it on the blog, but i guess it'll have to wait til i get home...
last saturday, i ditched my afternoon classes (although technically, i didn't ditch anything, coz there were "technical difficulties" with the enrolment papers so...) so my friends and i could go to Silay and eat seafood (what a trip eh? drive to the beach and eat shells... yes, people it's one of the more indulgent trips i tend to do here), after that we went to a fiesta and ate more there... well, drank too...
when we got back to Bacolod, we went to Carmen's and found noone there.. ha ha ha, so we decided to just go to one of our friends' house and drink (more), 30 minutes later more of our friends arrived and it became "the usual"... with guitars and beer and cigarettes...
and then it rained really hard and due to some unknown circumstances, we later found ourselves in front of a PC shop unable to get home because of the rain (DONT ASK)... i also found myself spouting ridiculous haikus while watching Dragonball Z (DONT ASK)... i got home at 7 am yesterday and slept three hours because we had to go to church...
a bit too indulgent..?
not quite, when you consider that in the past two weeks, i have had no social life... going in and out of school and going right back home in between classes... so you see, i'm just compensating for the lack of a basic need (yes, Mr. Abraham Maslow...)
oh and before i could get out of the house, i was a asked a barrage of questions along the lines of: What/Where/How/Who/Why/When... Which is crazy when you think about it, because i've never had anybody ask me that much about anything in the past four years!!
so what's up? technical difficulties (so much for "between the lines / implied" writing ...). readjusting. hard. Hitting me.
I mean, come on...! anyone who's known me in the past four years would say that I would be the easiest person to ask to come around at any given time and any given place...
ha ha ha. i'm not mad about it, i just think it's funny. I've always had this inkling that i've been growing up backwards, and i'm currently finding out how true it is... it's funny....
What a title, huh?I mean with something like that as a title, you’re bound to expect to read some malconcocted story about patriotism and the gung-ho-ness of people!Or perhaps something about newfound glories or epiphanies or anything closely related to the emancipation of the human soul from the chains of social drudgery! I mean, wow, “Independence Day”, those two words do a lot to someone, huh?
I do so love disappointing people.
I just wrote that title because June 12 just so happens to be “Independence Day” in the Philippines.No special reason.No hidden meanings.
Anyway, tomorrow marks the first day of school of my second chance at a college life.Armed with the resolution to “totallybe a nerd”, I go off to wage this war on myself and prove my worth to myself.(what?!?!?)
Ha Ha.Of course it isn’t gonna be ALL that, I mean, I HAVE picked up a few things in the past 4 years that’ve made me less of a geek than I used to be (or so I’d like to think).
That’s not what’s bothering me.I can turn the whole veil of antisocialism on for 8 hours a day, I mean, when I get out of class, my friends’ll be there, right? Right.
Don’t you just love the technology these days?I mean, yesterday I tried to rip all my cds into mp3’s and when I opened Media Player, Lo and Behold! The track names were all there! (see? It PAYS to buy original CDs, or at least to burn from original CDs in my case, heheheheh…), okay okay, so this isn’t really cutting edge for almost all of you (you’re reading this on a BLOG, so of course you’re computer intelled!), but I just found the whole thing so convenient.Gone were the days of me trying to figure out what the hell the names of the tracks of the CD were because I lost the inlay and the artists decided not to label the CD itself.And yes, while most of you may argue that it’s not a hundred percent accurate and that some CDs just aren’t there, I’m not really in the mood for an argument, I just wanted to share this amazement.
So well, today I finally started replying to people who texted me. MANY APOLOGIES for not being able to reply sooner! I mean, I finally realized that I needed my phone for tomorrow (I HAVE been staying at home for the most of the later part of the summer vacation), so I charged it and YOWZA! The text messages kept pouring in! that AND I had about fifty unread messages in my inbox.Heheh… Sorry, guys, I’m just not a phone person… you know that.
So what have I been doing today?I’ve been soundtripping while ripping my CDs…Today’s playlist included Counting Crows (thank you to Pia and Melay for the tracks), Dream Theater - Metropolis Part 2 (thank you Akelle), and Tenacious D (thank you Chino and Boyong).And I took two two-hour naps (which I am seriously regretting coz I can’t seem to sleep now).
Oh my.It’s 11 PM.
Sadly, this post is not in real time since I ran out of Internet load… goddamn it.Boo hoo.I’ll probably get to post this on the 14th, which is Alan’s birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY DUDE!
Anyway… Umm… Were you under the impression that I was going to write some more?Okay.
This post marks the decrease of the casual writing in this blog.The next entries will (hopefully) be similar in nature to the first few entries I made (retarded and semisensical).This is to keep in line with my original plan of creating something for, well, not for my bad parts, but for my good parts.…And I am so embarrassed with having to expose my eggheaded-ness on the net like this…Ha Ha.
I’m going to miss this, but it’s time to stop living in the hope of what “was” and “never was” (winkwink pia! You should know what I’m talking about! Ha ha ha… yes, you DID hit a sore nerve). God knows that was what prompted me to go ranting and ranting and ranting in this blog.I needed the release.I still do. Less intense, though. All personal adventures (or lack thereof) will go to the superplanx blog for the perusal of my manila friends.And so that they’ll finally post there!!! And it won’t be like this, it’s gonna be less tongue-in-cheek (gawd, I love that expression)
See? I managed to write something to rectify my use of the title!Hah!!
I would like to dedicate this post to the memory of our dear Lola Ditse, who died yesterday.
That while I often mull and find myself writing about gloom, doom, death and destruction, I cannot bring myself to write (or talk) about the deaths of anyone who is in the proximity of my social circles. I have trouble expressing feelings of loss. I’d just rather not talk about it.
On that note. I would like to say that she was a very sweet old lady and my most vivid memory of her would be her lending me magazines she bought when I was a kid. And the way she would always ask me to eat whenever she saw me. And. I mean. And. Well. Well.
I TOLD you I have trouble expressing these things!!
So to her:
VAYA CON DIOS… you were loved and you will surely be missed.
I’ve found direction amidst chaos, hope despite the shadows… light…
That while right now, though things still seem dark, I have one last ace.
A pair of aces at that.
On to the week that was. Yes, folks, it’s true. I’ve enrolled here already, which probably means that for the next three years things are gonna be really different. And yes, the rumors are true, I’ve taken up nursing. Many may call this decision a contradiction to all I stand for, but come to think of it, all I really stand for would be the “eternal trip”. And to continue with the eternal trip, one needs funding. To fund oneself, one needs a job and in the contemporary setting, one needs a diploma… and a good vocation.
DON’T ARGUE WITH ME ON THIS. I’VE THOUGHT ABOUT IT. A LOT. AND WHO AM I KIDDING? THERE IS NO “ETERNAL TRIP”, I FOUND THAT OUT THE HARD WAY.
So anyway, why nursing?
Because. With the state of the Philippines today, what other course is there if you’re a struggling young free spirit? Sure there are the artsy-fartsy courses, but let’s be realistic: they’re only for rich farts or for the truly talented. What about the super-scientifically and logically inclined (ahem… med! Ahem… law! Ahem…), didn’t you hear what I said? I said “free spirit”. Those courses are only for the rich and/or super-intelligent.
That being said, let me complete the supposition. What option does a lower earning middle-class, free spirit have? And it’s free too. Why? My aunt got me a scholarship. So that means I have to maintain an 88% grade point average (ugggghh.. tough…). But really, not that my folks can’t spring for my education but HELLO! I already spent four years worth of college money! I guess my hide really isn’t that thick, after all.
So there. Despite being in a really bad pinch for a long time, I’m still quite thankful (and lucky) for second chances and for benevolent family members. God, it seems, still cares. Thank you. Aside from totally rambling on and making incoherent sentences in this post, I would also like to write about the relationship I have with my siblings these days. Wow. I’ve been gone for four years. FOUR YEARS. That’s a long time. I’m finally realizing that. I mean whodathunk that these kids would grow up so well. I mean, my second youngest brother is in high school now. HIGH SCHOOL! Can you imagine that?!? How long was I gone?!? Oh yeah, four years. I plan to rectify a few wrongs and catch up for lost time and needed attention. Big time.
I said it before and I’ll say it again, the only good thing that ever came out of the whole “going to manila” fiasco would be the great friends I made there. But I can’t for the life of me imagine why I even chose to leave in the first place with my current frame of mind. Haaah. Ah but when you’re young and stupid, you want to see the world! Granted that Manila isn’t really “the world”, but you know what I mean. You want to test your limits, you want new experiences, you want to get away from everything you’ve grown up with and fill yourself with new things. I’ve outgrown that, I guess. I said earlier that I stand for “the eternal trip”. I must digress. It WAS about the trip and no matter how gung-ho I try to be and write about my life the way I used to view it, it just doesn’t work anymore. It doesn’t feel that way anymore. But I don’t regret it. I learned. A lot. More, I believe, than any one of my batchmates who stayed here and have finished college already. What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. And that’s what I am. Stronger. I’ve certainly been (?) stupid, but the funny thing with being stupid is that you’re only stupid about something once. The experiences will forever be remembered and as RPG-ers would say: “level up!”.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not about to get all square and shit, but what’s left to experience when you’ve experienced the absolute best and worst of the mediocre? What is left to want when you’ve gone asymptotic both sides? If you’ve been to extremes, then what force would compel you to be satisfied with a duller shade? True, though you can’t have experienced ALL of it, but I’m finally understanding the statement that goes: “I don’t have to touch boiling water to know that it’s hot”. I know that hot water is hot (uhhhhhhh…), so naturally, boiling water would be hot. Hence, my usage of the term “asymptotic”. I don’t presume to know it all and have done it all, but I know most of it, and I’ve done most of it.
And that my friend, would be where the fallacy of Hasty Generalization would set in. But I don’t even care how fallacious this might seem to anyone right now. I have more things to allocate my RAM to than what anyone thinks of my choices.
So I guess this is what I’ve always been able to stand for. That I never really cared about what anyone thinks or says as long as I’m happy (as opposed to living for the “eternal trip”). I’ve been called “selfish” on more than one occasion and I must admit that yes, I AM selfish. I make no excuses about it. I’m a selfish creep. I’m selfish when it comes to being me. Sure, I may be inclined to be socially active, opinionally passive and a pacifist at times, but only because I’ve thought two or three steps in advance what selfish purposes it would serve me. Manipulative, scheming, greedy... under the guise of a blank face. I’m selfish that way. I’m selfish in many other ways.
There are exceptions to this behavior as few may have noticed (notably to people I consider friends and my family, with “family”, I mean EVERYONE related to me by blood in three degrees), but that isn’t an issue right now. My friends know me. I mean, REALLY, know me. They understand. That’s why they’re my “friends” (see earlier posts as to who comprises this list). As for family, well, blood will always be thicker than water to me. Always.
Right now, all I want to do is finish my studies. And just now my cellphone (ohmigoodness! I have a cellphone?!?) rang. Another drinking session. Another invitation. Now, if this happened, say, a year or two ago, I would have readily taken the trousers that I perpetually hang for such emergencies and head out.
But no. Not now. I wouldn’t be stupid enough to say “not ever”, because I’ve made that mistake before. All I’m saying is: “not now”.
Wow! It’s been two weeks! This is a late update, so I promise to make this well worth the delay. Like I said, it’s been two weeks since I left Manila. Two weeks! And already it feels like a lifetime! Things have been going rather well, health conditions notwithstanding (I got sore eyes AND a major fever/cold last week, but I’m okay now… I think).
First things first (I have a barrage of excuses coming up, but they’re all true! Promise!), the reason I couldn’t blog for a while was because of technical problems (well, not really). One, dial up Internet SUCKS, totally! When I went to Globe to apply for DSL, they said they needed a certificate of lease, and WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? WHY?!? WHAT FOR?!?! I mean, it’s not like we’ll be running out of a house we’ve been living in for the past 12 years! But that’s not even the point, is it? The point is: IT’S NOT LIKE WE’RE NOT GOING TO PAY THEIR MEASLY 900 PESO MONTHLY FEE!
Okay. Secondly, when I got to realizing that I would have to live with a dial-up connection indefinitely, I decided to get over it and surf anyway (AT 40 kbps! AMAZING! baaaaahhhhh!!). I was about to check my friendster account when suddenly this alert window popped up saying that this program called SpyFalcon detected malicious software on my PC… Now the thing is, I KNOW I never installed a program called SpyFalcon. But the idiot sheep sheep side of me thought “Oh, well, since I put my Automatic Updates on, it COULD be possible that this was a free Microsoft update! How nice of them!”
I scold myself on two accounts whenever I remember thinking that because: a) I was STUPID enough to think that Microsoft would actually give anything that useful out for free, and b) I was dumb enough to fall for the old Trojan horse. And the DUMBEST thing I ever did was I actually tried to download a serial number for it! Aaarrgghh! Ah well, you live, you learn.
So anyway, it turns out that SpyFalcon actually WAS the malicious software (and a particularly potent one, at that). Whenever I would try to download stuff against it or touch the registry, it would automatically turn the computer off. So I HAD to reformat the PC. Twice. I know, I know, some of you might suggest to boot in Safe Mode and delete it from there, but, well, I only thought about that when I had initiated the reformatting. Crap.
“So what”, you might say. Reformatting doesn’t take that long, right? Well, yes. It doesn’t take long, but the thing is, ehehhehe… I lost my MS-Office installer and the one I burned met with an accident (don’t ask). So me being my lazy self, as always, never really took the time to buy a new one (until yesterday, coz my mom found out I reformatted and I have this issue with her being “feeling computer literate”, but that’s for another blog entry).
“SO WHAT AGAIN!!! Why don’t you type with Notepad or on the Blog site itself?!?” That’s true. I COULD have done that, but like I said: Dial Up Internet Sucks (especially when you have to pay for it with your own money). And as far as notepad is concerned, I love using it with HTML, but there IS NO WAY THAT I WILL WRITE ON IT SERIOUSLY! Why? I don’t know. I just don’t feel it. It’s not a matter of life and death, right? Right.
OKAAAAY!! So much for my meanwhiles. “What?! There’s MORE?!?!?”. C’mon you didn’t think I spent the past two weeks in front of a PC, did’ja? (although there is good reason to believe that).
NOTE: so I don’t reply thru text these days, right? Bear with me, I often misplace the useless thing
I left Manila exactly two weeks ago. It was a Sunday. I took a boat ‘coz I had so much stuff! I even had to take Ashley with me.
Now, I have been predisposed to believe that boat rides are nice, VERY nice. Experience proves that. I had always thought boat rides are nice. Until now…
Did you know that I had to file a really, really, REALLY late booking? The whole issue of my leaving date being tentative and all. So well, because I wasn’t able to get a cabin for myself, I had to ride in the Tourist Class. And there the problem arises.
It was HOT. It was WARM. It was DIRTY. It was CRAMPED. And it was overall UNCOMFORTABLE. I COULD NOT SLEEP!! Why? Because since I was staying in the top part of a bunk bed and because it was so cramped, my head hit the ceiling whenever I tried to sit up! Aaaarggghhh! It’s not because I’m tall or anything, the ceiling was just really, really low!! So I took to staying on the topmost part of the ship, and it was nice there because the view was nice (yes, I know “nice” is an adjective, very good). Until I ran out of lighter fluid…
AAUUUUUUGGGGGHHHH!! NO!!!!! WHY!?!?!?!?!?!
But there were a few things that made the trip bearable. Like the computer shop with Diablo II and the fruit shakes but the BEST one was the K! Videoke Challenge episode on GMA that night. Okay, okay, I know it’s stupid and lame and bakya and jologs and all that, but read the next sentence and you’ll understand why I was glued to it.
Katrina Halili guested and won that night, in pink bikinis.
Not so lame now, eh? Heheheheh… So well, that was the boat ride.
When I got to Bacolod, it was raining like hell (it rains here every day). I was drenched, I was soaked, I was tired. But when I got home, I saw something really nice.
A PC. In my room. MY room. Excellent!
You can insert my technical problem story here. Or you could read it again. Done? Okay, let’s continue. But I MUST say there isn’t much more to say after this.
The first week consisted of me trying out different clothes here in the house to see which ones would fit. I saw clothes I haven’t seen in six years! Amazing! I also had to find out what I could do about my “schooling” here. BUT that’s for ANOTHER blog entry.
I also saw my old friends, and of course whenever I’m with them, one can never discount the intake of alcohol. So there. It was cool to see them again, and it seems I’m not in such a bad state after all. I mean, we’re all in the same rut, after all. But just because we’re in a rut doesn’t mean we can’t have fun, right?
And, haaaah, this last week was tiring. Mentally. Things were utopian during the first week, I couldn’t believe it myself, but I always thought in the back of my mind to brace for the coming of something bad. And I was right. Storms are beginning to brew and my presence is starting to disturb a homeostatic status quo. Which is why in the past week, I have given up my room, some vices and a few indulgences. Things can get worse, since it’s still pretty much an adjustment period. But if there’s one thing hanging out in the wall has taught me, it’s that things DO have a chance of getting better. It’s just a matter of hanging on.
So overall. Heading back here was a big step. I don’t think I realized how big until I actually got here, lived here, slept here, and started killing my social life little by little. But, this is a return to basics, a return to what works, a return to favor. This plan will work because of two things:
a) It’s a better plan than anything else
b) I am going to make it work
And about my social life, I don’t think I’ll miss it. I am antisocial, first and foremost. I only get out the shell because of the extraordinary people around me. What I WILL miss are these people. Specific people. Not “people” who are attached to specific rules of social behavior. What? I’m not making sense! And perhaps this means I should end this entry (BEFORE it gets too confusing, and before it gets TOO personal).
Haaaah… Oh well… I miss the wall. I miss the wall people. I miss eastwood. I miss the eastwood people.
"it was all that i wanted, now i'm living without...it's where the water flows, it's where the wind blows..." OVERHAUL COMING UP...
something got caught.. errr? what?!?!?
Male, 21, Single
Zodiac Sign: Capricorn
Location: Philippines
Hometown: slumberland...
Schools:
University of St. La Salle-IS, University of the Philippines- Manila
Occupation:
dreamer, sophisticated jologs
Companies:ignored industries
Affiliations:
The Amazing Losers Organization (TALO!), team FS, i-squared, Brickwall People, Superplan X
Hobbies and Interests:
dreaming, sleeping
Favorite Books:
the Holy Bible, the imitation of Christ, Bram Stoker's Dracula, Interview with the Vampire, Eraserheads' Fruitcake, El Filibusterismo, Of Punks Poets and Poseurs, LotR, The Purgatorio, The Inferno, V, The Final Conflict, The Vampire Lestat, The Prophet, the perks of being a wallflower
Favorite Movies:
reality bites, rockstar, star wars, kill bill, reservoir dogs, awww gawdammit! TARANTINO MOVIES IN GENERAL, (yes?!?), detroit rock city, wayne's world at siyempre Can this be Love? (ang umangal sisipain ko), Memoirs of a Geisha, Nasaan si Francis?
Favorite Music:
i need a list!!, eraserheads (with ely), rivermaya (luma), mr. big (with either kotzen or gilbert), smashing pumpkins (with d'arcy), nirvana, foo fighters (basta anjan c dave grohl astig!), counting crows, urbandub, our lady peace
